Everything was different last year. No snow. Balmy weather. Even Santa, always good-natured, seemed jollier than usual. Perhaps he was anticipating the rare opportunity to deliver gifts on Christmas Eve in his “baby,” a metallic gray Corvette. After all, his baby is rarely driven in inclement weather, never in winter.
As I reviewed Santa’s list that evening, I noticed a critical gift missing, perhaps purchased and misplaced, but definitely missing. That meant I had one more dreaded trip to the store before the night’s festivities could begin. To my surprise, Santa handed me the remote for the Corvette.
I am not Santa. I believe a car’s primary function is to get from point A to point B and back successfully. As previous Corvettes had left me inconveniently stranded, I was hesitant. But then again, it was a generous offer and a different Corvette. Why not? It was Christmas Eve.
I picked up a friend in this sleek, sexy vehicle and, while I’d never admit it to Santa, we acted like teenagers. Opting for the long, winding roads, I accelerated through the curves, my graying hair flying wildly out the open window. Smiling, waving at the turned heads, we made it to the store and back to her house without a hitch. But when I was ready to leave, the remote would not unlock the car. In the blackness of night, I was stranded. Again.
The following stocking-stuffer hints are designed for anyone married to “a car guy.”
- Always have your cell phone handy to call the guy in charge of the family cars. Breathe deeply, stay calm, try to find the humor as you stand, helpless, embarrassed, and apologetic, in front of your friend, asking the “car guy” what the heck is going on.
- There is a key inside the remote of a smart car. Know how to find the key and where to place it in the car. (above the rear license plate if it is a 2010 Corvette.)
- Know how to turn on the flashlight of your cell phone so, as you are slithering on your back in the dirt searching for the key hole, you have enough light to find it.
- Once in the trunk, know the location of the nearly-invisible thread needed to unlock doors so you don’t have to crawl through the trunk to the driver’s seat.
- If possible, have all car ailments occur at the home of the owner of the largest dealership of that vintage of car. Hope he or she is a knight in shining armor, knowledgeable and willing to make necessary repairs so Santa can make his rounds and return in time for a late-night glass of “Irish.”
- If that’s not possible, have the phone number of your towing service in your phone—not in the glove box—so you can get help in the event you don’t remember any of these helpful hints.
- Drive your own car.
Copyright © 2017 Mary McKSchmidt
Wishing you and your family a humor-filled, joy-filled holiday season. And thank you, for accompanying me on these writing adventures . . . from political columns to magazine stories to poetic prose to blogs to poems, and now, to my first fictionalized story. Stay tuned. More to follow in the months ahead.
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